


heart of doubt

by denimandflowers



Series: shades of right [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Abortion, Alpha Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun, Angst, M/M, Mentions of Infertility, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Omega Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Smut, Sort of Self-Indulgent, best friend Xuxi, prepartum depression, sounds heavy but it's not intense i swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:55:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23804224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/denimandflowers/pseuds/denimandflowers
Summary: Being pregnant is supposed to be one of the greatest joys of an omega but Doyoung finds himself struggling to embrace it when his instinct doesn’t work the way it should.All he wants is to make Jaehyun happy, even if it means loving a baby he doesn’t want.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung
Series: shades of right [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2135733
Comments: 9
Kudos: 407





	heart of doubt

**Author's Note:**

> Heavy themes so proceed with caution  
> Literally wrote this today when I have an assignment due tomorrow bcs i’ve been so restless so pls give it some love :>

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Doyoung snaps, biting at his nails as his mind goes into overdrive.

“You did a test and all?”

“I did _five_ and they all came back positive,” Doyoung replies impatiently.

“You don’t seem happy,” Xuxi states rather obviously.

“That’s because I’m _not,_ ” Doyoung grits angrily.

He could feel his blood boil in anger. It must have shown because Xuxi’s suddenly cowering at the intimidating wave of fury that radiates from the omega. Doyoung suddenly feels apologetic as he takes a deep breath and lets it out in ten slow seconds.

“I’m sorry,” Doyoung finally says, shoulders sagging. Xuxi comes closer, wrapping an arm around his waist in comfort.

“It’s okay,” Xuxi reassures him. He pauses. “I’m guessing Jaehyun doesn’t know yet?”

Doyoung hesitates. He’d only found out about it last night. He’d been feeling odd for the past couple of weeks, and his heat was late, which was a dead giveaway considering that it had never happened before. He’d made a mad dash to the pharmacy after work and spent ages in the bathroom once Jaehyun had gone to bed.

As soon as those two lines appeared, Doyoung had felt an overwhelming sense of disappointment and dread.

He’d called his best friend, Xuxi the first thing the next morning, knowing that if there’s anyone who could help him make sense of it all, it was Xuxi.

Doyoung shakes his head rather timidly, hoping his best friend wouldn’t ask why. Because he doesn’t know it himself. It had been the last thing on his mind. All he’d thought about was the inconvenience.

“Walk me through your thoughts,” Xuxi says firmly, pulling away to look at him. “What did you feel when you first thought you were?”

Doyoung thinks back to that time a few weeks ago when he had a realisation that it was a possibility. He’d felt nothing but anger. The same, irrational fury that was starting to consume him again.

“I’m not one of your fucking patients, Xuxi. If I wanted to talk about my feelings I would have gone to a counsellor.”

Xuxi recoils from the harsh words from his best friend but being is quick to regain his composure. He knew they would get nowhere if he rose to the bait.

“Look, I know you’re scared but I’m only here to help. I can’t do that if you’re going to be barking at me for everything I say.”

Doyoung slumps, like he hadn’t expected to lose control. “I’m sorry,” he says again apologetically.

“It’s fine,” says Xuxi.

“I know you don’t want to hear this, but you need to talk to Jaehyun about this. There’s only so much I can tell you. Jaehyun’s your alpha, and any decision you make, you’re going to have to make it together.”

+

It’s easier said than done, Doyoung thinks as he punches in the passcode to his apartment and steps inside to find his alpha preparing dinner in the kitchen.

His head had ached all day, both from the stress of having to talk to Jaehyun and what he’s pretty sure is the start of those pesky first trimester symptoms. In the few hours after having spoken with Xuxi, though, his thoughts had come to some semblance of order.

“You’re home early,” Jaehyun says in greeting.

Doyoung leans in to accept the small kiss to his cheek. He’s barely surprised when Jaehyun notices his inner turmoil right away, regarding him with a concerned gaze.

“Bad day?”

For a moment, Doyoung considers lying. But he knew that it would only be worse if he put if off for any longer.

Doyoung nods, pulling him to sit at the table. Jaehyun goes without a fight, frown only deepening at his mate’s silence. It was out of character for Doyoung to be this quiet. He was usually _very_ chatty. He always had something to say in every second they were together, and Jaehyun just knows that something’s bothering his mate.

“I have something to tell you,” Doyoung begins. He finds comfort in the weight of Jaehyun’s hand in his own. “But please don’t freak out.”

Jaehyun nods seriously. The worry in Jaehyun’s eyes is overwhelming, and for a moment Doyoung feels his courage slipping but then Jaehyun’s squeezing his hand and he knows he has to do it.

“I’m pregnant,” Doyoung blurts out, eyes squeezing shut to avoid seeing Jaehyun’s reaction. He feels more than sees it, though. Jaehyun’s pheromones gives off a mix of shock and excitement and with every second that passes, Doyoung feels himself nauseous with the stench.

“Babe,” Jaehyun calls. Doyoung slowly opens his eyes and comes face to face with Jaehyun’s teary smile. Doyoung attempts to pull his hand away but Jaehyun tightens his hold.

“Tell me I’m not dreaming,” Jaehyun whispers with a disbelieving laugh. Doyoung slowly shakes his head.

Jaehyun erupts into an excited laughter, jumping to his feet and pulling Doyoung into his arms.

“I feel like I’m dreaming. I’m really happy, Doie,” Jaehyun croaks into his neck.

Doyoung pulls away, regarding him with hesitation. “You are?” he wonders softly.

Jaehyun nods, wide smile plastered on his face. “I know we’ve never really talked about having kids, but you know I’ve always loved children. I know you might be worried…but I think we can do this, Doie. I really do.”

“But we’re not even married,” Doyoung blurts out. It’s not even the most pressing question on his mind, but for some reason he feels betrayed and caught off guard at Jaehyun’s reaction.

“It doesn’t matter, does it?” Jaehyun says with a small frown. “If you’re worried about my parents—”

“No, it’s not that,” Doyoung quickly says.

“What is it, then?” Jaehyun coaxes, rubbing soothing circles on his arm.

“It’s…” Doyoung trails off, thoughts fading at the excited, genuine smile on Jaehyun’s face.

“It’s nothing,” he says instead, letting himself be pulled into another embrace.

“I’m so happy,” Jaehyun murmurs.

Doyoung smiles, even if he felt like he was drowning inside.

+

The first month passes by in a blur.

Doyoung finds himself struggling with the whole affair. For some reason, he had every symptom on the worst end of the spectrum, from feeling lethargic at any time of the day to having frequent dizzy spells.

It was debilitating, and Doyoung found himself crying in the bathroom every lunch from the mere stress of it. He took it in his stride, convincing himself that this was all normal. But when he threw up all over the table during one of his meetings, he knew he has had enough.

He was going to go crazy before he could even carry the child to full term.

“I keep telling myself that things would get better but it’s only getting worse!” Doyoung cries.

“It’s only been a month,” Xuxi tells him kindly. “Things will get worse before they get better.”

“I can’t deal with this for another eight months,” Doyoung suddenly says, an eerily blank look on his face. The waiter comes by their table to deliver their food. Xuxi stares in horror as Doyoung pops open a can of beer.

“What are you doing?”

“I need a drink,” Doyoung replies with a frown, bringing the can to his lips. He curses when Xuxi snatches the alcoholic beverage from his hand.

“You know you can’t.”

“One can won’t kill it,” Doyoung snaps, leaning over to retrieve the can. Xuxi holds it out of his reach.

“Did you not listen to the doctor?” Xuxi scolds.

“You mean that long list of don’ts?” Doyoung scoffs. “Being pregnant feels like being in a fucking prison.”

“Don’t joke about shit like that,” Xuxi says sternly. “In case you didn’t know, one sip is enough to cause a miscarriage.”

Doyoung holds Xuxi’s glare with a hard look in his eyes. “Give it back,” he grits.

“ _No_ ,” Xuxi retorts, unfazed.

“Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don’t _care_?”

Xuxi’s jaw falls slack. “What do you mean?” he wonders quietly.

Doyoung holds his gaze for a few moments before glancing away.

“Nothing,” Doyoung mutters, picking up his chopsticks and focusing his attention on the food instead.

“It’s not nothing,” Xuxi presses. “Come on, you know you can tell me anything, Doie.”

Doyoung sneaks a few glances at him as he chews his food. “You’re going to judge me.”

“We’ve been friends for years. You know I’ll never do such a thing.”

Doyoung knew Xuxi was right; Doyoung had some unconventional opinions about different things, and Xuxi has always had his back. He slowly sets his utensils down, looking up at his best friend.

“I don’t think I want the baby.”

There. He’d said it.

It sounded even more terrible now that he’s said it out loud, but the thought had been suffocating. He’d had it on his mind for weeks, carrying the weight of it on his own.

Xuxi doesn’t look shocked. In fact, the expression on his face is one that’s pragmatic, like the person he is.

“Have you talked to Jaehyun about this?”

Doyoung hesitates. “I’ve tried. But he seems happy about it. Excited, even. He can’t wait till it’s here.”

Xuxi nods slowly, letting it sink in.

“I can’t bring myself to let him know how I feel. He’s going to hate me for it, I just know it.”

“Jaehyun’s not the kind of person who would hate you for not wanting a baby,” Xuxi says as a matter-of-factly.

“What kind of an omega doesn’t want a kid?” Doyoung sneers. “A really fucked up omega who doesn’t deserve someone as sweet as Jaehyun.”

Xuxi shakes his head furiously. “Your feelings are valid, Doie. Jaehyun _knows_ you. He wouldn’t leave you just because you’re not ready.”

“What if I’ll never be ready?” Doyoung wonders sadly. “I’ve never felt good around children. The thought of a family scares the shit out of me. When I think about the future, I only see one with Jaehyun and I. No little tots running around.”

“Wow,” Xuxi mutters, breathing deeply. “It seems like you’ve got a lot to work through with Jaehyun.”

“He—” Doyoung hesitates. “He knows I’m not too keen on the idea of children. But it seems like he has rose-coloured glasses on. He thinks I’ll change my mind when I have one of my own.”

Xuxi is quiet for a long time, pensive. He finally speaks up after a while. “You need to talk to Jaehyun before it gets worse. The window to change your mind is closing. If you decide not to go through with it, you need to do it fast.”

“You mean…” Doyoung trails off. He knows exactly what his best friend means.

“You only have a couple of months to decide if you’re going to go through with it. Once you get into the second trimester it’ll be as good as here.”

Doyoung nods, mulling over his words. He’s glad Xuxi isn’t one to sugar coat his words.

That night, Doyoung sits on the edge of the bed, pondering on his best friend’s advice. He figures that tonight’s a good time to come clean with Jaehyun. He’s thought a lot about it the whole day and finally decided that he would do so after the scheduled dinner with their friends.

“You don’t look so good. You sure you up for tonight?”

Doyoung looks up from his feet at his alpha who’s buttoning the front of his dress shirt.

Doyoung’s lips pull into a soft smile as he nods. “Yeah.”

Jaehyun doesn’t look entirely convinced but lets it slide. “I was thinking we could ditch dinner early and go baby shopping. I have some ideas for the nursery.”

Doyoung tenses. He hates it when Jaehyun talks about the baby, and it seems like it’s the only thing he ever wants to talk about these days.

“Actually, there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about…”

Jaehyun glances at his watch. “We’re going to be late. Later?”

Doyoung nods, accepting the hand Jaehyun offers him.

+

Doyoung had thought that a dinner with his friends would give him a slight reprieve from the issue of the baby, but he’d underestimated Jaehyun’s excitement when, some time during dinner, Jaehyun announced that they were expecting.

Doyoung found himself being attacked by an onslaught of congratulations and questions like _‘How far along are you?’,_ _‘Is it a boy or a girl?’_ and _‘Are you excited?’._ The only person who seemed to notice his uneasiness was Xuxi who saved him from being the centre of attention by asking for his help with dessert in the kitchen.

“You haven’t had the talk with him?”

“What does it look like?” Doyoung groans.

“You’re right, though,” Xuxi says conversationally as he plates the blueberry cheesecake. “Jaehyun does seem pretty excited.”

“How do I tell that man that I don’t want it? It’s going to break his heart.”

“You’re going to get hurt if you don’t,” Xuxi simply says. Doyoung opens his mouth, an argument already on the tip of his tongue, but all that comes out is the pasta they’d had for dinner.

The tears come as unexpectedly as the nausea had, and Doyoung vaguely registers Xuxi scrambling to save the cake from the disaster.

“I’m sorry,” Doyoung croaks tearily. Xuxi waves a dismissive hand, getting to his knees with a wet rag to stop the mess from spreading.

“Is everything okay?”

Doyoung looks up to see Taeyong standing at the kitchen doorway. Taeyong takes one glance at the mess before rushing to Doyoung’s side.

“Fuck,” Doyoung curses through his tears, feeling wildly emotional. “I fucking hate this.”

“It’s okay, Doie. It happens,” Taeyong says soothingly.

For some reason, Taeyong’s words only fuelled Doyoung’s irritation.

“You wouldn’t understand, Taeyong,” Doyoung snaps, slapping away his friend’s hand. Taeyong looks like he’d been burned, but he doesn’t move away.

“Do you need anything?” Taeyong wonders softly.

Doyoung’s eyes fill with a fresh wave of tears. “Can you get Jaehyun for me?”

Taeyong nods, rubbing his back comfortingly for a second before hurrying out to fulfil Doyoung’s request.

The mess is almost cleared when Jaehyun appears, heading straight for his omega. Jaehyun takes one look into Doyoung’s eyes before declaring that they’ll call it a night. Doyoung plasters a smile as he bids everyone a good night and thanks them for their well wishes, but doesn’t miss the longing in Taeyong’s eyes as the fellow omega stares at him.

“I thought we were going to the mall.” Doyoung breaks the silence between them when he notices that Jaehyun’s taking the route home instead.

“We can do it some other time,” Jaehyun says with a kind smile. “I thought you’d be tired after tonight.”

Doyoung’s frown deepens as he thinks back to the fuck fest at Xuxi’s place. “I said something terrible to Taeyong.”

Jaehyun regards him from the driver’s seat as they pull up at a red light.

“I said he wouldn’t understand when he was only trying to help,” Doyoung explains with a sad pout.

“He knows you didn’t mean it,” Jaehyun reassures him.

“It was still a really shitty thing of me to say.”

Everyone knew of Taeyong’s and Johnny's struggle to get pregnant. They’d been trying for years with no luck, and under normal circumstances, Doyoung wouldn’t have used it against his friend. But the past few weeks had been a struggle of its own with his frequent and irrational anger. The words had slipped before Doyoung even had a chance to stop himself.

The car begins to move again, and Jaehyun sneaks a few glances at his omega, reaching over to hold Doyoung’s hand, his pheromones calming. The gesture is sweet and Doyoung finds his distress slowly fade.

“If it makes you feel better, I’m sure Taeyong knows you didn’t mean it,” Jaehyun tells him.

Doyoung nods with a small sigh, holding Jaehyun’s hand close to his chest.

It’s later, when they’re in bed, ready to turn in for the night when Doyoung finds the right time to bring up his worries.

But Doyoung soon notices that Jaehyun has other plans when the alpha starts to kiss his neck in the dark, hands finding their way to the dip of his omega’s hips. The feeling of Jaehyun’s wet lips on his skin stirs some deeply seated emotion in him and Doyoung lets out an accidental moan when Jaehyun moves to nibble at the shell of his ear.

Things escalate quickly from there.

Jaehyun has Doyoung’s pajama top unbuttoned in a few minutes, working his way down his neck to the line of his chest, hands slipping into his sweats.

“You have no idea how happy you make me,” Jaehyun suddenly confesses, pulling away with deep breaths. Doyoung reaches up to frame Jaehyun’s face with his hands, smiling softly as his chest heaves with quiet panting. 

He would do anything for this man.

He’d met Jaehyun in their first year of college.

Doyoung had gone through the worst years of his life before that, but things started looking up when he met Jaehyun. After three long years of courting on Jaehyun’s part, Doyoung finally found it in him to put his trust in the alpha. Jaehyun had never once rushed him or made him feel like he was stupid for his insecurities.

Now here they were, five years later. Doyoung knows he wants no one but Jaehyun as his mate, and he had no qualms that Jaehyun feels the same way, even if there was a tiny part of him that had always known that Jaehyun deserved better. An omega who wasn’t as unconventional as he was.

But tonight he feels selfish. He wants Jaehyun’s touch, wants to feel him everywhere. Needs Jaehyun to make him feel like he wasn’t as flawed as he knew he was.

So Doyoung settles for a simple, “You make me happy, too, Jae.”

Jaehyun rewards him with a sweet kiss to his lips, sucking gently on the bottom for good measure before getting to work. It doesn’t take long for Jaehyun to prep him. He gets wet easily, and Jaehyun knows him so well. He knows exactly how to crook his fingers, knows which angle gets his blood pumping.

“Can I get on top?” Doyoung gasps, breathless as Jaehyun rubs himself up against him, hard and hot.

Jaehyun shakes his head. “No, it’s better if you’re on your back.”

Doyoung doesn’t have time to question what he means by that because Jaehyun’s pushing into him in the next second. Doyoung holds his breath like he always does, but finds himself breaking out in soft little pants when Jaehyun goes slower than he normally does.

Jaehyun pauses when their hips meet, closing the gap between them faces to kiss him deeply. Doyoung stares at the ceiling in annoyance when Jaehyun reaches down to splay his fingers across his stomach. It wasn’t visible yet, but he could feel a small, hard bump when he pressed against it.

To Doyoung’s pleasure, Jaehyun starts moving, thrusts slow and measured. Doyoung moans softly, legs coming up to frame Jaehyun’s waist as he holds their bodies close.

“Jaehyun,” Doyoung calls after a few minutes of slow thrusting.

“Mmm?” Jaehyun hums in a strained voice where his face is buried in the crook of his neck.

“Can you fuck me harder? I’m so close but this pace is killing me,” Doyoung cries.

Jaehyun pulls away to look at him, brushing the hair out of Doyoung’s eyes. “You know I can’t. I have to be gentle. I don’t want to hurt the baby.”

Jaehyun’s words seemed to flip a switch in Doyoung’s brain. Instinctively, he shoves the alpha off him.

“What the hell?” Jaehyun verbalizes, watching as Doyoung does up his pants despite how achingly hard he still was.

“The baby’s nothing but a fucking ball right now,” Doyoung snaps, striking his flat stomach with his palm. Jaehyun lets out a sound of disapproval, moving to pull on his own sweats.

“What’s going on?” Jaehyun demands. Doyoung cowers slightly at the anger he feels in Jaehyun’s pheromones.

“I’m just sick and tired of you talking about the baby.”

Doyoung watches as Jaehyun’s face crumples in the dim lighting. “What do you mean?”

“I’m just—” Doyoung breaks off, glancing away as he wraps his arms around himself.

“I hate it,” Doyoung whispers. “I—I hate _this_.”

Jaehyun doesn’t even try to hide his confusion and hurt as Doyoung inhales a strong wave of the mix.

Doyoung looks up, meeting Jaehyun’s gaze form across the room. “I don’t think I want this, Jae.”

“Do you mean us, or the baby?” Jaehyun wonders quietly.

Doyoung swallows hard, knowing whatever he says next could potentially make the love of his life hate him.

“The baby,” Doyoung finally says. He watches, terrified, as Jaehyun slowly nods, glancing away. Doyoung tries not to be fazed by the disappointment that hangs in the air.

“I tried to get used to it. I—I thought I’d learn to be happy about it eventually. But it’s made me nothing but sick and miserable, and I can’t stand it anymore, Jae. I just—I want it out of me,” Doyoung says, trying his hardest to keep from falling apart.

 _This is it_ , he thinks as he watches his alpha stand up without a word. He watches as Jaehyun leaves the room and feels his heart break when he hears the front door open and close.

“Fuck,” Doyoung curses as he lets his feet take him to his phone. He picks it up, realises he’s shaking badly when it slips from his hands. He manages to dial Xuxi’s number after a few tries and presses the phone to his ear, a sob threatening to break through.

_“Doie, it’s fuck o’clock in the morning.”_

Doyoung tries to open his mouth, but all that comes out is a strangled sob.

 _“Doyoung_ ,” Xuxi’s steady voice is a welcome relief. He waits until the urge to cry passes.

“Jaehyun left, Xuxi. He—He left when I told him,” Doyoung murmurs into the phone, pulling his knees to his chest as he leans his back against the bed on the floor. Despite being able to calm himself, a few tears slip from the corner of his eyes. He lets them fall, too exhausted to fight it.

_“Do you need me to come over?”_

Doyoung contemplates on the idea for a second.

“I don’t know,” he says tiredly.

“I don’t know,” he repeats, feeling slightly delirious. “He might come back. But I don’t know if I can face him.”

_“I’ll come pick you up. You should stay the night at my place. I think it’ll do you good to give him some space.”_

Doyoung nods before realising that his best friend can’t see him.

“Okay,” he manages to say.

Doyoung hasn’t moved from his spot when Xuxi comes close to an hour later.

It’s funny, he thinks. Because he’s had so much tears in the past few weeks from the pregnancy alone but he doesn’t have much even when he feels his heart in pieces.

He doesn’t know what he’ll do if Jaehyun leaves him.

But he doesn’t say so as Xuxi helps him into the car and drives them back to his apartment. 

The thing about Xuxi is that he knows Doyoung even better than he knows himself. Anyone else would have fussed over him, but Xuxi was different. He knew Doyoung wanted nothing more than to be by himself so he was out of the way as soon as Doyoung was settled in.

Doyoung tries not to dwell over the fact that Jaehyun hadn’t texted or called him. He knows Jaehyun will come to him when he’s ready, but that didn’t stop his thoughts from manifesting into worries.

He sends a simple text, that he’s at Xuxi’s and that Jaehyun can have the apartment to himself for the night, and to please come home because he can’t sleep as long as he knows that Jaehyun’s somewhere out there and not safe at home.

Jaehyun’s reply comes an hour later.

_I’m home. We’ll talk tomorrow._

No _I love you,_ no _we’ll figure this out together._

It’s so unlike Jaehyun, and Doyoung wonders if they’re going to get through this.

+

Doyoung doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing here.

All he knows, is that he has to do _something_.

Despite Jaehyun’s texts, Doyoung hasn’t heard from him in almost a week. He figures it’s just the alpha’s way of sorting out his thoughts but patience has never been Doyoung’s strong suit. He’s impulsive and is always making decisions stemming from his emotions.

It’s no surprise that he’s not thinking when he fills out the form and lets the nurse lead him into the room.

“How are we feeling today?”

The doctor is a kindly old lady named Dr Lee.

There’s no judgement in her eyes when Doyoung tells her, “I want an abortion.”

It’s taboo for an omega to say those words. In society, an omega’s place is by his alpha’s side, his duty to bear children. But Doyoung’s done a fair bit of research, and Xuxi had reluctantly recommended that he met with Dr Lee.

“I’d like to check on your wellbeing first before we talk about the baby, if that’s okay with you,” Dr Lee says instead. Doyoung blinks at her, dumbfounded. Since the moment he’d found out about his pregnancy, no one had asked about how _he_ was feeling as a person.

“Now, tell me more about yourself, Doyoung. Do you have an alpha?”

Doyoung hesitates at the question. He thinks about Jaehyun, how he hadn’t heard from him since that night. He doesn’t know where they stand, not in this very moment.

“We’re having some issues,” Doyoung admits, gaze falling to his hands.

“Is he not treating you well?” Dr Lee wonders, a slight frown marring her face as her fingers fly across her keyboard.

“We had a fight.”

“About the baby?”

Doyoung nods. “He wants it, but I told him I didn’t, and he just… left. He hasn’t talked to me since.”

“So he doesn’t know you’re here?”

Doyoung feels his irritation growing. “No,” he replies curtly.

“You do know we have a law that states that we’re not allowed to go through with an abortion unless the alpha of an omega signs an approval?”

Doyoung visibly deflates. He thought Xuxi had found a way around it when he recommended Dr Lee.

“…yes.”

“Okay,” Dr Lee says with a kind smile. “I’m going to refer you to someone else. I think he’ll be able to better help you.”

Doyoung doesn’t know what she means by that but nods numbly, concurring to an appointment set for the next day.

“You knew she wouldn’t do it, didn’t you?” Doyoung says accusatorily as soon as he’s outside and the call connects.

Xuxi doesn’t seem surprised at his friend’s tone, as if he’d been expecting it. _“_

_It’s not that I don’t support your decision, Doie. I just don’t want you to regret it. You’re making your decisions out of anger. But where’s the anger stemming from, Doie? Don’t hate me, but I think you need to talk to someone about this and I knew you wouldn’t listen if it came from me.”_

Doyoung feels like he’s been hit by a truck. He feels the betrayal first, and then the slow, impending realisation.

“Do I really need to hear it from someone that there _is_ something wrong with me?”

Doyoung feels the tears again. He’s getting so tired of it. He rarely cries, and he feels like he’s cried more the past few weeks than he has in his entire life.

_“You know there’s nothing wrong with you. You just need to talk to someone who’ll help you make sense of what you’re feeling.”_

Doyoung nods, sniffling. “I guess it’s worth a shot.”

+

Dr Taek’s office is vastly different from Dr Lee’s.

Instead of anatomy models of omegas and the sharp smell of antiseptics, Dr Taek’s office looks like a cosy room, complete with a sofa and the view of Seoul’s skyline.

Doyoung fidgets nervously in his seat as Dr Taek introduces himself. Almost an hour into their session, though, Doyoung finds himself relaxing as Dr Taek listens to his ambitions about climbing his way up the corporate ladder with genuine interest.

Doyoung’s grateful that he doesn’t tell him that omegas shouldn’t have dreams as big as his, like everyone else does. But then the conversation takes an uncomfortable turn, and Doyoung struggles to find the words to say.

“Well,” Doyoung starts, “Children were never in the plan.”

Dr Taek nods, holding his gaze to show that he’s still listening.

“Not in mine, anyway,” Doyoung says with a short laugh. “But Jaehyun loves them. And… I guess I never really thought about what would happen if we had one.”

His hands frame his stomach as he stares at it. He’s never really held it since he found out. He frowns at it, trying his best to imagine that there’s some kind of life growing inside him. A life that was part him, part Jaehyun.

“I never thought it would happen because we’re on the most effective pills they have out there, but it did, and I don’t know what to do.”

“When I found out I knew I didn’t want it. But my partner, Jaehyun, was excited about it and I thought maybe if I tried I would eventually love it, too.”

“But it’s been weeks and I just feel worse than I did.”

Dr Taek nods again with a small hum. “It seems like your irrational anger is more than just the stress of the baby.”

“What do you mean?”

“The technical term for it is prepartum depression.”

Doyoung reels from the revelation. The very thought of it hadn’t occurred to him but he feels a strange sense of relief at having a collective name of the turmoil he’d experienced.

“Is it the reason why I hate the baby?” Doyoung wonders sadly.

“It’s more complicated than that,” Dr Taek explains. “But I would say that it has a part to play in the irrational anger you speak of. Right now your judgment’s clouded from the hormonal imbalance in your body. We have medication to help with it, medication that could hopefully help you regain control of your emotions.”

Doyoung listens intently, putting the pieces together in his head.

“In a few weeks if you feel like you’re still uncertain about having a baby, then I feel that it’s best that you weigh out the options with your alpha.”

Doyoung leaves the office with a prescription and a renewed sense of hope.

His mood improved even more when he finds Jaehyun waiting by his car out front of the building.

“Hey,” Jaehyun greets when he walks towards him.

Doyoung feels Jaehyun’s regret more than anything but can’t bring himself to close the distance between them. He would be lying if he says that he isn’t still a bit hurt from what’s happened.

“Xuxi told me you were here,” Jaehyun continues when it seemed like Doyoung wasn’t going to say anything.

“He also told me that—” He pauses, worrying his bottom lip. His dimples appear even when he isn’t smiling.

“He also said you almost went through with an abortion.”

The words sound crude coming from Jaehyun’s lips. Doyoung winces, crushing the paper bag of his prescription in his hand.

“You said we’d talk, but you didn’t call and I didn’t know what to do.”

Doyoung has always been good at getting straight to the point. He isn’t one to beat around the bush, and Jaehyun had always loved him for it.

“I’m sorry,” Jaehyun says quietly. “I know it’ll only sound like an excuse, but I didn’t know what to do when you told me that. I wanted to be there for you but I didn’t know how, and I knew I needed to clear my head for a bit before I did.”

Doyoung nods, letting it sink in.

“I had a long talk with Johnny about it, too, and he sort of made me see sense.”

Doyoung knows he hadn’t been the only one who’s been hurting, so he reaches a hand out. Jaehyun takes it, intertwining their fingers together. Doyoung feels like he’s finally whole again, and not like a piece of him had been missing like he’d been feeling the past week.

Jaehyun pulls him in close, holds him by the waist. “I—I thought about it, and if it doesn’t make you happy, then I’ll sign the form, Doie.”

Doyoung freezes at his words. He hadn’t expected Jaehyun’s response; in fact, it was almost impossible given that Jaehyun was an alpha, and it would be defying the laws of nature.

“You say that, but it goes against your nature,” Doyoung argues. “You’re going to resent me for it. I just know it. My omega instinct has never been normal. I can’t – I can’t put you through it just because I’m defective,” Doyoung murmurs the last few words, feeling slightly ashamed. It’s true, though. He’d always known.

“You’re not defective,” Jaehyun says quietly. He tightens his hold on Doyoung’s hand. “I don’t care about my alpha instincts. You’re just as important, Doie. I just want you to be happy.”

Jaehyun closes the distance between them to pull him into an embrace, letting out the breath he’d been holding when Doyoung doesn’t push him away.

“I’m sorry you got a shitty omega,” Doyoung says, tears staining the front of Jaehyun’s shirt.

“I got the best omega,” Jaehyun disagrees, hugging him tighter.

In Jaehyun’s arms, Doyoung feels like everything is going to be okay.

+

Another few months pass and Doyoung feels the improvements in his mood.

Gone were the tears and irrational anger. His nausea and lethargy were almost gone too as he moved into the second trimester. The idea of having a baby didn’t terrify him as it had before, and he was slowly starting to adapt to the changes he felt.

The best feeling, however, was the same excitement he felt whenever Jaehyun would run his fingers across the expanse of the growing bump.

“Haeun or Saeron?”

“Haeun,” Doyoung replies after a short pause.

This was their new favourite thing to do before bedtime. Jaehyun would list names he’d come across, names he was fond of, and Doyoung would choose one until they had a winner. Doyoung would have never thought that he would do something like this, but he’s come so far in a short few weeks and he’s proud of himself.

“Haeun it is,” Jaehyun smiles. Doyoung snuggles closer into the hold, feeling Jaehyun kiss the top of his head.

He feels Jaehyun freeze and he looks up in time to see the shock written across Jaehyun’s face.

“What is it?” Doyoung probes, feeling his stomach drop.

“Nothing,” Jaehyun says uncertainly. “It’s just,” he sniffs. “Your scent is odd. Do you feel okay?”

Doyoung shifts, moving to sit up on the bed.

“Yeah,” he says after a moment. Jaehyun stares at him with an unreadable expression.

“You’re scaring me,” Doyoung frowns as he jumps to his feet. Jaehyun shakes his head, reaching out for him once more.

“No, no. It’s probably nothing.”

“I feel weird now,” Doyoung says with a grimace. He feels his heartrate accelerate, knowing Jaehyun could sense it too.

“I don’t know if it’s because of what you said.” Doyoung starts to pace.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have scared you,” Jaehyun says regretfully. “Will you stop pacing?”

“I need to pace,” Doyoung retorts. “If I don’t, I can’t think, you know that.”

“You’re making my head spin.”

“This is _not_ about you, Jae,” Doyoung snaps but immediately regrets it when he sees the way Jaehyun’s face falls.

“You’re not in this alone, Doie. It’s not your baby. It’s _ours_ ,” Jaehyun says, hurt.

Doyoung slows his pace at Jaehyun’s words.

“You’re right,” Doyoung says defeatedly. He’s still learning.

“Come here,” Jaehyun calls softly, beckoning him with opened arms.

Doyoung doesn’t have to be told twice. He totters over in obedience, sinking into the embrace and burying his face into the crook of his alpha’s neck, seeking comfort from his scent.

“Do you feel better?”

“Yes,” Doyoung replies in a small voice.

“I’m sure it’s nothing, but we’ll go to the hospital first thing tomorrow, alright?”

Doyoung nods, feeling himself relax.

Jaehyun keeps to his promise and they’re in the car on the way to the hospital as soon as the sun comes up.

For some reason, Doyoung can’t help but to feel nervous. It doesn’t help that his thoughts always have a mind of its own. Jaehyun notices this and reaches over to squeeze his hand as Doyoung relishes in the calmness he exudes in his pheromones.

It’s when they’re pulling into the parking lot that Doyoung feels it.

A sharp pain followed by the strong metallic scent of blood.

Doyoung’s never seen Jaehyun move as fast as he did then.

Jaehyun’s composure is admirable even as he ushers Doyoung to the emergency room with urgent steps. Everyone stares at them as they walk through the doors, the air thick with the stench of his blood. The nurses are ready for them, leading the way into the back.

“Jaehyun,” Doyoung calls, reluctant when one of the nurses tugs him away.

“I’ll be here,” Jaehyun reassures him as their fingers part.

“I’m sorry,” Doyoung says even if he doesn’t know what he’s sorry for. He can feel it in his bones. He just knows she’s already gone.

“Be strong, Doie. It’s going to be okay,” Jaehyun tells him firmly as the doors close and he’s left alone with a bunch of strangers.

+

Doyoung wakes up feeling like he’s being weighed down by bricks.

The first thing he sees is the white walls.

He stares blearily at the sunlight that streams in through the opened blinds until the sound of a beeping heart monitor registers in his head. Jaehyun’s scent floods his senses and he turns his head with great effort to see his alpha curled up on the sofa in the corner, asleep.

It all comes back to him.

Terrified, he reaches down to his stomach with a trembling hand.

The bump isn’t hard anymore. He feels nothing.

Doyoung turns to look at Jaehyun again as the reality sinks in. Jaehyun stirs awake and Doyoung waits patiently until their gazes meet. Jaehyun doesn’t need to say anything for him to know that they had lost her.

Jaehyun tries his best to hide it, attempting a weak smile, but Doyoung still feels his sadness through his scent.

“I’m sorry,” is the first thing he says.

Jaehyun shakes his head, rising to his feet. Doyoung shifts so that he can join him on the bed. Doyoung knows there aren’t any words he can say to make it better so he settles for holding each other to mourn their loss.

Doyoung spends the day in the hospital but is given the clear to leave when the sun sets. It’s cruel, how everything had unfolded in the span of a few hours.

Doyoung had left the house with a baby he’d learnt to love, but now he’s back home knowing he’ll never get a chance to hold her.

He feels terrible, but he can only imagine how devastated Jaehyun must feel.

Sweet Jaehyun who tiptoes around him like he’s walking on eggshells, taking extra care of him. His love Jaehyun who tends to him the days and nights following the ordeal, never leaving his side.

It’s a week later when Doyoung feels like he’s finally ready to talk about it.

Jaehyun finds him crouched over a box of things they’d bought for her – a blue frilled dress, some yellow mittens and a pair of booties.

“Doie,” Jaehyun calls. Doyoung can hear the worry in his tone. Jaehyun’s worried about him even though he’s had it worse.

“I feel sorry more than anything,” Doyoung looks up. Jaehyun regards him for a moment before joining him, their knees bumping against each other as they sit cross-legged on the floor.

He stares at the dress in his hands in regret. “I didn’t even want it in the first place. I probably deserve it, but you don’t.”

Jaehyun frowns at him. “Stop right there,” he says sternly. “You know it’s not true.”

“I’m sad,” Jaehyun admits. “But I know it happened for a reason, and it’s _not_ your fault. Maybe it’s just not our time.”

He reaches for Doyoung’s hand, intertwining their fingers together. “We’ll have a lot of chances in the future, that much I know of. We’ll get through this, Doie.”

Doyoung sets the dress back in the box and rests his head against Jaehyun’s shoulder.

“I will if it’s with you,” he whispers, wiping at the lone tear that slides down his cheek.

Jaehyun leans in to kiss him on the forehead as Doyoung closes his eyes.

He knows it has been a long journey, but they were here, together, stronger than ever, and that’s all that matters.


End file.
